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It will be interesting to see if Brendan Shanahan can summon his inner Bill Gregson.

Gregson is the Fairfax Holdings appointed turnaround artist, who made headlines on the weekend for his potential $ 60-90 million payout, from the Cara IPO last week. Like Shanahan, Gregson has only been at the helm of his enterprise for a short while. But unlike his sports counterpart, he has quickly shown results with sales increasing, costs decreasing, and a renewed emphasis on hiring top talent.

While Cara and Gregson were dominating the business pages over the weekend, Shanahan’s housekeeping was almost as topical in the sports pages as Speith’s Masters mastery. At least to Torontonians. Pretty sure the rest of Canada is more focused on their team’s playoff potential, than the never ending suffering we experience here in the 416/647.

Fairly doubtful that Shanahan has the same financial windfall. as Gregson’s, awaiting him if he is successful. But settling for the sainthood, that locals will bestow upon him if he builds a winner, may be a pretty close second.

Now the fun and games will start. Every amateur, and professional, hockey commentator in the land will be contributing their thoughts on how the franchise should be rebuilt. Who should be traded. Who should be drafted. Who should be hired. Who (if anyone!) should be retained.

I’m not going to add to the list of alleged hockey experts with my thoughts. Somehow my eight goals against average as a houseleague pee-wee goalie doesn’t qualify me! But as fan (who is off the bandwagon), a season ticket holder, and an industry practitioner I do have a wishlist for Mr. Shanahan.

1. Please share with us your vision. I assume you have one and that it’s probably pretty good. But right now I don’t know what it is. In order to rally my support, provide me something to buy into.

2. Stick to the vision. I am so confused as why, in 2014, the Leafs extended the contract of a coach that reportedly was the barrier to the team’s success, only to fire him mid-season when they were in play-off contention. That last act precipitated a downwards slide to oblivion that was as ugly as the Ottawa Senator’s rise from the ashes was beautiful.

3. Talk to me. Not at me. Not around me. Not over or beneath me. Me. I am right here. Talk to me, to all the fans, young, old, loyal, and losing their loyalty. We want to hear from you. Not a script. No need for a podium. No massaged messages. If we miss out on a free agent or a high potential trade, don’t worry about spinning it. Just share.

4. Deal from strength. That is one of my personal mottoes. The Leafs have been one of the richest teams for as long as I can remember. Let’s use our resource advantages to the fullest. Look no further to Canada’s Olympic Teams for a 3D case study as to how the right investments, in the right areas, can power a sporting entity from obscurity to the podium.

5. Turn your weaknesses into assets. I don’t understand the cliches about pressure for coaches and players in dealing with the Toronto media. Let alone the pressure from fans and sponsors. Really? Really? How about leveraging all that passion and harnessing it’s energy. The fans want a winner. The sponsors want a winner. I really think even the media wants a winner. Felt that way in the early 90’s.

So while I said I had no advice on the ice, it seems I have plenty for off it. It comes from the right place.

Besides if a guy can make sixty million dollars serving quarter-chicken dinners, with that yummy Chalet sauce, anything is possible right?

Even a Leafs turnaround!

Of course it’s true that nobody’s perfect.

The sports world knows that especially well after Kentucky laid an egg in the NCAA Men’s Final Four this past Saturday. Their coach, John Calipari, had repeatedly stated his team wasn’t perfect, that they were merely unbeaten. Well now they aren’t even that.

Perfection is a lofty goal that can present more challenges than momentum in its pursuit. It’s an objective that few sports teams ever pursue, because it creates pitfalls and landmines that lay in wait to trip you up.

The goal should be to attain greatness at the right time, which often conflicts with perfection. I don’t know if a CFL team has ever achieved a perfect season. It’s over forty years since an NFL team has and forty since an NCAA basketball team has. It’s not even conceivable in most other sports.

Unfortunately the pursuit of perfection is something that haunts many of us in the workplace.

We expect every meeting with our bosses or clients to be perfect. We expect every document we draft to be returned by internal reviewers without a red mark. We expect every performance review to sing our praises.

It’s just not realistic. But it’s what we expect.

I am a major contributor to this evilness. My drive for perfection often gets in the way of the pursuit of greatness. Pursuing perfection creates unnecessary tension and clouds perception.

Think about it when you’re hiring. How often have you doggedly pursued the perfect candidate? How often have you heralded their coming arrival with trumpets, pageantry, and a feast? How often have you been so blinded by their perfection, you forgot to see their flaws. I am guilty as charged.

It’s the same when crafting a new initiative or product. Perfection is positioned as the only acceptable benchmark. That expectation puts you in the deceptive position of concealing flaws that another set of eyes would quickly identify as fatal. All because we want to make it perfect.

I’m attempting to revamp my own pursuit of greatness to not include the pursuit of perfection. It’s important as I want to create a culture in all my endeavours of endless creation. Which naturally requires that all contributors share their ongoing work-in-progress, without concern. In turn that requires me to not isolate every word and subject it to a needless attack.

Think of the intense scrutiny that the young men on the near-perfect, but unable to achieve greatness, Kentucky basketball team had to endure. Under a less bright spotlight, I am sure that at least once last week, you felt the same way.

I have found that one way for me to learn how to pursue greatness is through networking. I don’t network for the sole purpose of schmoozing or making new contacts. My preferred, and hopefully my best, networking is with people who can add to my body of knowledge. It’s where I formulate my best ideas. From others.

Who I haven’t met in all this networking is the perfect person. But I do regularly meet great people. Motivated people. People on their way up. People who are up. People who have been up, down, and now heading up again.

They have made me realize two things. 1. John Calipari was right, his team wasn’t perfect. 2. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

I really wanted Kentucky to have the perfect season because a perfect record is something to behold. I am a Kentucky basketball fan, but not a nut about them. Still I felt badly for their players Saturday night who hadn’t tasted defeat. I was emotional, wrongly, because of my own fundamental attraction to perfection. Plus I have a real affection for dynasties, outside of those involving Tom Brady.

In sport and in life, there are lessons in losing, in having flaws, and admitting some weakness. Calipari said he just hoped his team would play well. They didn’t. They lost. They deserved to be out.

Tomorrow I am going to saddle up at work and strive for greatness. But I am not going to let perfection get in my way.

I was ecstatic to see the Canadian Football League name Jeffrey Orridge as its new Commissioner.

It would be impossible for me to hide my pride about a black man finally being named commissioner of a major North American sports league. I loved the story quoted in the media about Orridge’s first exposure to the CFL; coming from watching a game featuring former Eskimos legend Warren Moon. To Orridge and his father, living in New York, seeing a league that embraced black quarterbacks represented what Canada was all about. A land of opportunity.

Ironically years later Orridge arrived here to work with Right to Play, then the CBC, and now the CFL. Land of opportunity indeed.

When I was a young football fan, the quarterbacking colour barrier was both unfortunate and obvious. As I watched the likes of Holloway, Ealey, Watts, Dewalt, and Moon dazzle in the CFL; there was only one starting black QB in the NFL – Doug Williams. When I saw up and coming black NCAA pivots, I knew they would soon be toiling north of the border if they wished to maintain their position. If they elected the NFL over Canada, they were soon to be assigned to a new position away from the responsibility of guiding a team’s offence. A task they were judged unable to manage.

Canada’s not perfect. But it’s pretty darn great. Nobody in business has ever judged me by my colour here. (Though I have been asked to park a few cars and fetch a few coats at some fancy restaurants.) But at some of my first meetings in the United States I had moments that made me question what life might have been like living there. Once at a meeting in Chicago, I was greeted by an account coordinator, at a major ad agency, who mistook me for a room attendant and advised they had enough coffee. She had to sit in horror for the next ninety minutes as I presented to her senior clients. Another day, when being led to the office of a new client in Kentucky, I was told by his secretary that she had never seen a black man in a suit before in their corporate headquarters. Later the client took me to lunch at a restaurant flying the Confederate flag. This was a guy who liked me! Neither incident shocked me and they both got great mileage as I spun them back to countless friends. But…

Orridge’s announcement is historic. The inequity in sports such as football and basketball at both the (U.S.) collegiate and pro level is still substantial. Blacks comprise the bulk of the athletes, but are in a dramatic minority in the coaching, managing, and ownership ranks. A black commissioner is a major breakthrough. But it’s also historic because it extends beyond sport.

Somewhere in North America a young black man will talk about Orridge’s appointment with his Dad and realize Canada isn’t just the land of opportunity for black quarterback’s. It’s a land of opportunity for black leaders.

“I pay my mortgage with the French Fries.”

Probably not what I would have predicted to be the most memorable quote from my quick trip to SXSW Intercative this weekend. But it was.

The speaker of those words was an audience member during a session on Food Festivals, part of the new SouthBites track at SXSW. Last year’s new SX add-on was sports. This year Food received the nod.

It made for a dizzying conference for me personally. I attended some Sports sessions, some Social sessions, some Start-up sessions, some Maker sessions, and some Agency sessions. Plus the aforementioned tasty food festival panel.

The speaker was referring to her business of being a food vendor at festivals and events. Her comments were part of a discussion regarding the surge in healthier and sustainable food choices at events. Despite all the noise about eating better and more responsibly….the bottom line is French Fries still lead at the till.

Her words define what SXSW is really all about. It started as a music festival. It as exploded into a cultural Olympics of film, marketing, technology, and entrepreneursim. But the common thread is simple.

It’s all about money.

People come to Southby looking for funders, clients, and customers. The parties are great. The presenters are passionate. The city one of my new favourites. But this conference is bottom line focused.

Southby built its brand being the launching pad for darling tech startups. That brand attracts governmental delegations from around the world, celebrities from all walks of life, and business powerhouses.

Every square inch of downtown Austin is transformed into a commercial stage. On any given corner you can be courted by a global brand, pitched by a startup, or even by French Fries.

I’m not sure what the hot tech trend the experts saw coming out of SXSW in 2015. But for me, it’s definitely the fries.

Conference season is upon us.

I don’t have official stats, but it feels to me that the calendar is jammed with events from mid-winter through spring.

This week I depart for a back to back. First leg is Austin for SXSW. Unfortunately I’m only going for the first half of Southby as it conflicts with IEG. The annual sponsorship event, held in Chicago, is the second leg of my trip.

It’s a busy time. I was also to be in NYC for Leaders in Sport last week, but a launch for a new client property scuttled that plan. The next three months feature several more conference events, including Experential Marketer, CSTA, SMCC, and World Congress of Sport. It culminates in June at our event, CSFX, being held in Edmonton this year during the opening weekend of the Women’s World Cup.

Why so many conferences? I know my itinerary is a bit extreme. But I love conferences. It’s not just for the fun, because there are a lot less expensive ways to have fun.

I love conferences because of the impact on my business. For me, ROI is always measured based on the benefits an investment will bring to my clients, my staff, or my industry. If a conference can’t benefit me on one of those three parameters, than its just a frivolous road trip.

To extract real benefit from a conference, I believe you actually need to invest some time and energy in developing a strategy. Think about it as your own personal gameplan for attending. Because conferences are much like any pursuit. You get out of it, what you put into it.

I unabashedly recommend you develop a gameplan for conference attendance. It’s personally proven to be a successful tool for me. How else to ensure that when you arrive home, you’re not left with that feeling of having wasted a few thousand dollars. More so than the money, the time dedicated to conference attending is no small resource investment either.

Having a gameplan isn’t just essential for attending the conference. It can be extremely useful when pitching your organization on the real costs related to attendance. Those include the true financial outlay beyond registration fees, the investment of your time, and any potential work disruption while you’re away. Building this case will help ensure you get the green light for the investment.

A conference really is an investment. You shouldn’t get on the plane if you can’t see yourself coming back with a new idea, learning, supplied contact, or sales lead that you would not otherwise have gotten. Many times it can be a combination of these opportunities. Add to that the soft benefits related to motivation, recharging your love for the industry, contacts made, and personal exposure.

To secure that quantifiable result, get into your conference planning early. Identify how you want to approach the conference. Research from past attendees the secret mechanics of the event. What sessions are useful? Which ones are a shameless sales pitch? Which receptions are conducive to networking? Are their unpublished social events where the A-listers hide? How many sessions in a day should you attend? What sort of delegates will attend which workshops. Sometimes smaller sessions provide more opportunity to meet people.

Is there a speaker you want to meet? Pick their brain? Leverage their network? Start connecting with them today. Follow them on social. Learn more about who they are. Find someone in your network who could facilitate an introduction.

Don’t be afraid to ask in advance for the event delegate list. If the organizer won’t provide, ask a sponsor or supplier of the event. They have probably already pitched you on meeting them at the event. So it’s time for a value exchange. But if the price of that becomes too costly, there are several pre-conference discussion groups to join. An active participant in those groups often winds up with a large number of pre-event connections, just waiting to be consummated at the actual event.

Bring back a slew of best practices from your conference sessions. Present them to your colleagues, to your clients, to your bosses, to your board, to your industry associates.

Ask speakers directly for decks and reference materials. Don’t distract yourself by taking notes during the session. Do you take notes when you watch a movie? Sit back and absorb the session. Thoroughly absorb the session summary, speaker bio, and online discussion ahead of time. Read the deck and watch video of the presentation after the conference. But during the actual presentation, stay in the moment.

Lastly, schedule your work around the conference. Plan a daily ninety minute window to skip sessions and reply to email. Plan it based on the relationship of your office time zone to that of the conference event. Don’t miss conference time for non-urgent issues. Your desk will be there when you get home.

Start building your own agenda today for your next conference. I maintain it’s critical that you not delegate the value you get from a conference to the conference. Delegate to the delegate if you’ll pardon the double entendre.

I will see you on the road soon!

I just heard the news that Nicola Kettlitz, head of Coca-Cola Canada, has lost his courageous battle with lymphoma.

The Olympic Movement, the Coca-Cola family, and the Canadian, Italian, and American business communities have lost a dear friend tonight.

His will be a death that will be felt around the Globe. Not due simply to his thirty-four year, multi-country, career at Coca-Cola. Not due simply to his leading role in managing Coke’s involvement in the 2006 and 2010 Olympics. Not due simply to his genuine involvement in so many charities, causes, and industry associations. Not due simply to his very public passion for his wife and daughter.

The impact of his death will be an emotional cocktail of all those things and more.

The more is simple for me to define. In a business world that often is filled with massive egos and blinding self-righteousness, Nicola stood out for his lack of either. He was as selfless an executive I have ever met.

I first met him while building a partnership for Coca-Cola Canada and a leading charity, that would be leveraged during the Olympics. He later ensured I had an opportunity to bid on some 2010 Olympic work, that despite our losing he personally reached out to ensure we would stay in touch. That’s incredily uncommon in our world. He meant it.

Not only did we stay in touch, but Nicola committed to supporting me in various endeavours. Chief among his actions was to speak at our 2010 Sponsorship Forum, despite the fact it was during the final weekend of the 2010 Paralympic Games. He not only showed up to fill his time slot, he presented an amazing keynote, that today mystifies me as to how he would have time to prepare during a crazy Games period.

When Nicola was named Head of Coca-Cola’s Canadian Business Unit, I was delighted. Selfishly my thoughts were solely on how I could grow my relationship with him, and not just from casual business acquaintance to client. I sought Nicola out as a mentor and he willingly agreed.

He regularly made time for me on his calendar and we frequently met at his favourite local Italian restaurant. I would often pick his brain on a myriad of business issues, and always marvelled at how this busy man seemed to have no end of patience for my self-serving queries.

But do not misinterpret my words that Nicola was soft. His drive for perfection was remarkable. But because he led from the front, his charges never wavered in their joining his pursuit.

Case in point was one of my advice-seeking chats with him. At the time I was looking at ways to fix some issues with my agency and candidly my career. Not issues regarding our revenue or our size, but in terms of achievement. At an earlier lunch I had outlined my challenges to Nicola and at this one I was sharing my plan with him.

As he flipped through the pages, my delight as his agreement with my vision was hard to contain. Nicola’s approval brought childish happiness to me. But suddenly he stopped in his tracks and eyed me judgementally. The halting page outlined my goals for the agency. One of them suggested how I perceived our agency being “rated” in a particular services sector.

He froze me with a steely eye and chided me for not being ambitious enough. He almost suggested that my leveraging of mentors like himself and others, wasn’t worthy of such a modest goal. He then skewered me more precisely that Coca-Cola only works with top-rated agencies and that if I wasn’t one now, my plan better call for me to be one.

This wasn’t a meeting. It wasn’t an agency review. It wasn’t a negotiation. It was Nicola being a friend. A business friend yes. But more.

He was being a mentor. He was being a leader. He was being himself. Which was a person committed to bettering others.

Goodnight Nicola.

I’ve tried all week to not blog about the worst play call in Super Bowl history, but my resistance has been defeated.

Over a week may have gone by since the Seahawks Pete Carroll and his braintrust oddly decided to pass their way to a repeat Super Bowl Championship.

We all know the outcome. My opinion? Well it’s really a two-part discussion.

The first and the easy part is that it was a very bad call. There are so many arguments to run the ball that I couldn’t take inventory of them in one breath.

The second and much more complex part is trying to understand the why. It’s always easier to analyze a situation when you hypothesize putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. To do so, I would ask you to assess moments in time when presented with a choice that has to be made quickly, which will end up having a significant consequence on the rest of your life. The latter component being so crucial to this simulation because despite what Coach Carroll and his QB Russell Wilson have proclaimed, that decision will define them forever.

To begin the exercise I want you to think of a similar situation in your life. While I don’t expect any flashbacks to rival the stage of a Super Bowl, I do expect your examples to have been in circumstances that were similar. Circumstances that included the endurance challenge of being againizingly close to the end of a very long journey; circumstances that included the guard lowering challenge of you expecting a positive outcome; circumstances that included you believing you were fully prepared; and circumstances that that included facing an adversary that had nothing to lose.

Let’s continue.

Hold up the decision you’re reflecting upon and review it from the four angles identified above and compare it to the circumstances of the Super Bowl.

1. Both teams were tired. There was no question. It had been a disturbingly violent affair. Often we have to deal with tough decisions, or even not so apparently tough decisions, at the 11th hour. You have to wonder how much fatigue factored in to one Seahawk receiver not executing his “rub” route very well, to the Seahakws QB being late with the throw, to the Seahawks intended receiver not making a strong effort on the ball. Lesson 1 – At the end of a long journey, stick with what got you there as it will require less energy to execute. (Translation – Run the Ball!)

2. Twice the Seahwaks thought they had the game won. First was midway through the 4th Quarter when they held a 10 point lead and secondly when they had the fateful 2nd and goal. They let their guard down. Twice. The first time was their passive play in the 4th, which saw them fall behind, the second was after their receiver made a miraculous juggling catch while prone on the turf. They somehow felt unstoppable. They were already celebrating. They felt invincible. Lesson 2 – Make all decisions like your back is against the wall. (Translation – Celeberate AFTER the game!)

3. The Seahawks felt like this play was a shrewd call. They felt their opponent was expecting a run and this pass play would catch them unprepared. In fact, it had worked before for the Seahawks. That’s the bad news. The Patriots also knew it had worked earlier in the season for the Seahawks. So much so they substituted in the player who would make the game clinching INT based on the Seahawks substitutions. Butler, the interceptor, had practiced against that play during Super Bowl week and was crictized by his coaches when beaten on it in practice. He knew what was coming, he wasn’t going to let it happen again. Lesson 3 – If you think you’re better prepared than your opponent, you’re not. (Translation – That’s BILL Belichik over there!)

4. The aforementioned Butler, the interceptor, wasn’t just a hero, but he was the potential goat and victim of the miraculous Seahawks catch just a couple of plays earlier. He understood the satiation, it was second and goal. He took a risk jumping the route to try to get a pick. The reward? A Super Bowl victory. The risk? Pass interference? Which would have resulted in half yard penalty and an extra down. Yes that may have sealed the Pats defeat, but if he doesn’t play aggressively they lose anyway. Lesson 4 – Take calculated risks where the reward outweighs the potential downside. (Translation – BOUNCE back quickly!)

Recreating this four-sided picture of your situation, provides new tools to attack the next decision. If the Hawks had done so, they may have won. Instead the Patriots beat them on all four parameters and emerged triumphant.

We are fortunate that in our lives we don’t have hundreds of millions of people watching, and thousands of experts analyzing, every decision we make. However when do screw up, it can feel equally as devasting as the Seahawks botched play call. This sequence of events provided more than a lifetime of spirited debate. It provided a playbook to prepare for the biggest and smallest calls we will be facing in whatever stadium you toil in.

Last week during the Sponsorship Marketing Council of Canada’s breakfast event, Sponsorship Resolutions, I spoke of the need to “Get Real” in 2015 with our marketing campaigns.

I don’t intend to be dour, but with unending conflict in Iraq and Syria, massacres rampant across Africa, terrorism in Europe, planes mysteriously dropping from the sky in Asia, civil war in the Ukraine, an accelerated return to the U.S.-Russia Cold War, and oil prices plunging daily; consumer confidence is going to take a hit. When times are difficult….witness 9/11 and the 2008 recession, consumers respond to marketing in new ways. They seek more inspiration and less aspiration. They want more community and less celebrity. They expect more thoughtfulness in communication and less senseless humour.

Understanding the pulse of consumers requires more than just online polling and social listening. It requires marketers to connect the dots between what’s being said, what’s happening in-store and online, and what’s attracting attention.

The marketing event also known as Super Bowl advertising has lept well beyond the crafting of a brilliant sixty second spot. It’s become a multi-channel contest of innovation and creativity. The stakes have never been higher. The potential return also soaring to new peaks.

Not surprisingly this year’s Super Bowl advertisers scored with a smarter, more realistic tone in their messages.

– P&G reprised their #likeagirl spot from 2014 proving that tackling a significant seemingly never-ending issue is timeless.

– The Canadian Armed Forces shocked me with their recruitment spot, striking a chord of confidence and inspiring patriotism, with a dose of pragmatic reality, at a time when our military has never been more needed since 1945.

– Bud Light’s Living ads tap into great insights about twenty-something’s ranging from the boss who thinks you’re Mr. Responsible at work, to the dad providing napping advice to his daughter who just completed her first triathlon, to the friend who doesn’t want to sleep on the floor at a cabin party. Beer ads will always be aspirational, but when they are also relatable they really sing.

– Nationwide’s Make Safe Happen doesn’t promote a product or an offer, but sells something much more valuable. The safety of your family.

– While I cringe every time I hear an ad agency suggest “random acts of kindness” as their big idea, McDonald’s has created a potential ground breaker with their Pay With Lovin’ campaign. It’s brilliance, is that the random acts must happen in store thereby driving tons of traffic, and the genius is in its simplicity. But what makes this program even more perfect are the hilarious rules this corporate behemoth has signed off on. Kudos to their lawyers and senior executives for realizing that most contest rules do nothing but piss off valued consumers.

– I had never heard of Michael Hill until I saw their Super Bowl spot which trumpeted all sorts of society challenging love (across gender, race, etc.). The campaign was crafted from live on the street conversations with over 1,200 people. When was the last time a marketer talked – not surveyed, not creeped on their social feeds, not had them interviewed while they hid behind glass! – with 1,200 people!!!

The Super Bowl ad slate presents a roadmap for marketing in 2015.

The roadmap XXIL provides is one that shows we must work harder as marketeers to connect with our consumers. Family. Faith. Community. They have never been more important. I think the plethora of marketing channels and noise makes this even more a challenge.

Heroism can’t be manufactured. Yet it exists all around us on a daily basis. Good deeds aren’t random acts, for many they are routine. Commitment isn’t sexy, yet it’s the most powerful sales driver since the original sin was committed.

Take time to unravel your key messages for the year and ensure the threads that connect you to your stakeholders is as thick as rope.

Going to watch Super Bowl XLIX next week?

Thinking about joining the office pool? Maybe placing some money down on some squares? Have a not-so friendly bet lined up with your brother-in-law?

It seems the Super Bowl is less and less about the game and more and more about the advertisements, half-time show, and the betting. Vegas will let you bet on just about anything: who will win MVP, whether a certain player will score. Plus there are a few potential bets that they just won’t authorize: what will Katy Perry wear, will the Patriots coach smile.

Now at the risk that mine won’t be unique, I do have a few ideas that might make for some interesting odds:

1. Will the word “DeflateGate” be the subject of Viagara’s Super Bowl TV ad?

2. How many minutes in will we get sick of watching the same three ads on the Canadian TV feed?

3. How many minutes into the game before delusional Cowboys fans realize their team didn’t make it… again!

4. How much longer after that will your delusional brother-in-law who loves the Cowboys start telling you that Tony Romo is the best QB in the game?

5. How many more minutes still before you cut your brother-in-law off?

6. How many minutes late will your pizza delivery be?

7. Will Katy Perry take her much talked about swipe at Taylor Swift during her performance?

8. How long after the game will it be before a winning player shouts at a reporter ” Nobody believed in us… but us!”

9. How many minutes after the game will the Cowboys be installed as 3:1 favourites to win Super Bowl 50?

10. How many minutes after the game will I be telling people the Steelers are going to win SB50?

11. How many people will argue with me that it’s supposed to be Super Bowl L?

I don’t know the answers to 1-10, but I can assure I am right on 11… it’s officially Super Bowl 50 next year folks!

So I turned fifty last week and have to admit it was like my own personal Y2K.

I wanted to stay up till midnight to see if my systems shut off. They didn’t, but the next few days were a whirlwind of physiological and psychological developments. So much so, that even though I said I wouldn’t blog about my birthday for another fifty years, there are some vital things learned about turning fifty last week I feel compelled to share with you.

So if you haven’t turned fifty yet…here are some things to get prepared to deal with:

1. People now know you’re 50.

2. You can’t buy a car with seat heat anymore because apparently activating lower end warmth causes people my age to spontaneously orgasm.

3. Your business class meal on all flights is now three courses of green jelly

4. You can’t convince your kids that you were actually alive the last time the Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

5. All of your great work stories that include the two words “fax machine” are lost on your co-workers.

6. Kids you coached in sports are now asking you to coach their kids.

7. When you ask the barber to trim your nose hairs he will ask if you prefer them in dreadlocks.

8. For the first time ever you notice the retirement homes along the route of your morning commute.

9. Cab drivers automatically pop their trunks to store your mobility device.

10. You’re shocked you’re the exact same age as the Canadian flag.

11. Nipple erections aren’t treatable.

12. Body parts designed to emit liquids are now emitting solids.

13. Body parts designed to emit solids are now emitting liquids.

14. Body parts designed to emit nothing have sprung savage leaks.

15. You fall asleep at family events.

16. You fall asleep in meetings.

17. People are ecstatic you fall asleep in meetings.

18. Your middle of the night pee will become hourly.

19. Your window to enjoy your morning pee will be less than sixty seconds after you wake up.

20. You’ve lost the words “those people look like they are in their fifties” from your vocabulary.

21. Gossiping is more dangerous because you’ve probably used up every target you’ve met.

22. The Prime Minister sends you a birthday card that reads Happy 50th on the outside and a reminder to vote sticker for your Daytimer.

23. You get carpel tunnel in your wrist from holding your iPhone at a 14 degree angle, four feet away from your face, so you can read your email.

24. People stand ten feet away from you when they wish you Happy Birthday due to a Mayan myth that age is a contagious disease.

25. Acne plastered McDonald’s cashiers direct your attention to a menu board with extra large type.

26. You’re assessed a $189 fine for not getting a fireworks permit for your birthday cake.

27. The only jury duty you’re qualified to perform is for The People’s Court.

28. No one told you The People’s Court went off the air in ’97.

29. Harshly the expression “Drink’em pretty” now applies to you.

30. The Freshmen 15 is a period of life you now envy.

31. It’s worrisome that your shrink may finally convince you that Happy Days wasn’t Reality TV.

32. Being replaced in your job by a class of ’05 Grad.

33. Finding out that the every person endorsing you on LinkedIn are also unemployed.

34. Realizing that your Facebook posts to impress you niece and nephew don’t beget much attention given they aren’t on Facebook, because you are.

35. You thought Labatt 50 was named in your honour.

36. You find out Luba isn’t performing at the Ontario Place Forum this summer.

37. You’re even more surprised to find out the Forum doesn’t exist.

38. Remarkably you’re even surprised that Ontario Place has closed.

39. Your high school has been torn down due to old age.

40. The Top 40 Under 40 committee has, for the 10th consecutive year, sent back your application with a stern request to reread the eligibility criteria.

41. You’re astonished to hear there never was a “New Economy”

42. Tragically you have been forced to deal with the fact your website called www.snailmail.com isn’t going to be successful.

43. Being told that your use of the expression “Back in the Day” when you begin a story isn’t actually necessary.

44. You used to love smelling your own farts, but one of those functions isn’t working anymore.

45. When you giggle after farting, people scurry to find a mop and pail.

46. Convincing people that Tim Horton was a real person, and Ronald McDonald wasn’t, will take up a lot of your time.

47. People think they’re being complimentary when asking, with a fake smile, “You’re 50?” with a newly adopted hillbilly twang.

48. GQ will pay you to terminate your subscription in order to maintain their brand image.

49. For some strange reason the drug store advised you aren’t old enough yet to purchase Depends, despite the daytime leftovers you uncover every night when you change into your pyjamas.

50. The way people call you Sir or Madam suspiciously doesn’t sound like it’s out of respect…..