Venus Envy

Yes I’ve got it. It’s taken me weeks to admit it. But I’ve got Venus Envy.

What exactly is that you ask? Well let me explain. It’s a new form of jealousy. If we were kids at summer camp we might call it “Pee-pee Envy.” Usually among men it is found in locker rooms, driveways, and the workplace. But this form of jealousy isn’t about how many letters your Johnson can display. Nor is it about the horsepower under the hood of your shiny, logo adorning sports car. And it’s not about the size, location, or access to daylight that your cubicle or office enjoys.

Venus Envy is founded in the traditional male envy syndrome. You know the real word people. It rhymes with Venus, but this is a family blog. I can’t write such words. But you can. You can say it out loud. Or whisper it. Come on now, give me a “P. Diddy,” give me an “ET,” give me a… okay you get the point.

So, take the traditional envy of jewels and combine it with the jewel of Canada, also known as Vancouver and what do you spell? Venus Envy!

Yes, today marks the time I have to confess my Venus Envy. I’ve had it all playoffs. It’s been leaked to a few friends. Several of my Vancouverite friends have been trying to win me over. But I have to admit it. This Canucks run is killing me! I am so jealous of Vancouver. I have Venus Envy!

And I don’t think I’m alone.

It’s just not fair. As it is, Vancouver has been kicking the rest of the country’s butt for a while.

It’s beautiful. The women are more beautiful.

They have mountains. Some less than thirty minutes away.

They have the Ocean. And beautiful parks to enjoy it.

They have Yaletown. Where my cute little VCR office is.

They have Whistler. With a fancy new road to get to it.

They had the Olympics. Plus the second most important hockey game ever played.

Now they have this. The Canucks. The 40th anniversary of the team once best known for icing a player named Orland Kurtenbach.

For years, they had the worst uniforms in the league. For years, they had the worst luck. For years, we laughed at them and waited for them to slide off into the ocean.

Now they have two Swedes and an American leading them on the charge to be Canada’s team.

Now they have the best record in hockey.

Now they have defeated the defending Stanley Cup Champions.

And, now they have enjoyed a fortnight of partying not seen since… hey, didn’t you just host the Olympics?!?!

So I have no clever messages today. No hidden meanings. No subliminal thoughts. No such wit.

Just a pure and simple confession for all the world to see. Left Coasters, I admit: I have Venus Envy.

What’s the next step in the process after “admitting I was powerless over my affliction and that my life was unmanageable?”

It’s going to be a Luongo road to recovery for me.